: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
