accomplished twins. life is a go
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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