My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
