don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Randomize
