Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
