She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
