Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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