It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
