STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Randomize
