Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
