I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
