just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
