i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
