imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
