Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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