u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize