honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
