even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
