My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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