You're so nebulous sometimes
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I believe in your delicious
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
