my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Please don't give away my fajitas
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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