If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Randomize
