So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
