Soap is not a condiment
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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