she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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