you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
