We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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