if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
