I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
if only i could text you this smell
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
