i permit you to call me
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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