Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize