worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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