i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
