My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
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