my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
