i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
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