Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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