Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
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