I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
You were trust falling into bushes
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
