How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
