The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
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