I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
we should paint friendship bongs
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