dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
