Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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