Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
