Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
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