Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
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