she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
