Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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