just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize