I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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