someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
