what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize