Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
